Written by: Andrew da Roza, Addictions Therapist, Sex Addiction Specialist
Couples Recovery from Sex Addiction and Sex and Porn Addiction in Singapore
“When the Sex and Porn Addict in Singapore is in Recovery – But the Couple-hood is not.”
The Problem Cycle
Even when someone in a couple has sex and porn addiction, and they are in recovery, the relationship can still be devastated.
Both parties can enter a “triangle” of behavior that leads to yet more suffering.
Sex addiction and porn addiction attack the very heart of a committed relationship: intimacy, trust, honesty and safety.
If the couple-hood is still struggling – and the pain may be even greater than ever – couples’ recovery may be the answer.
The Partners
The partners who have been betrayed by sex and porn addiction in Singapore may say:
“I feel shut out by you”.
“My feelings don’t matter to you”.
“Even though you’re at home more often – I’m lonelier than ever”.
“I’m by myself in this relationship”.
“I feel dismissed by you”.
“I get no response from you, so I yell – any response from you is better than none!”.
“I clearly don’t matter to you”.
“It feels like we’re roommates – we are just going through the motions of a couple – ticking the boxes of what couple are supposed to do”.
The Sex and Porn Addict in Recovery
The sex and porn addicts in recovery in Singapore may say:
“I can never please you – I am working on my recovery but nothing I do is good enough for you”.
“I try to get it right and to fix things – but it never seems to work”
“When you become sad or angry – you come after me and start criticizing, I don’t what to say – so I freeze, I shut down…or I just have to leave”.
“So, I try to keep things calm, reasonable and unemotional”.
“Sometimes I feel paralyzed, so I put up my “wall” or escape to my “cave”.
“I know I’m failing – but I don’t know what to do”.
“There seems no point in trying any more: it just all feels hopeless”.
The Dynamic of the Pursuer and the Withdrawer
These painful thoughts, moods, sensations and behaviors seem to go around in an endless cycle.
Sometimes they may be triggered by people, places, things and circumstances.
Sometimes the trigger is just a thought, feeling or sensation that seems to arise from nowhere.
The Pursuer (the wronged partner) complains, becomes critical, hostile, attacks and angrily pursues.
They are overwhelmed by anger, hopelessness, frustration, hatred, frustration, jealousy and rage.
The Withdrawer (the sex and porn addict in recovery) shuts down, becomes silent, distant, cold, freezes, is numb, withdraws and becomes defensive – and occasionally, when frustrated and helpless, they attack.
The Withdrawer too, feels overwhelmed, hopeless, frustrated, angry, resentful and hopeless.
Both the Pursuer and the Withdrawer may have the very same underlying emotions:
Hurt, afraid, sad, worthless, ashamed, hopeless, inadequate, isolated and lonely.
While the Pursuer may say to themselves: “I’ll never be enough. No one has ever loved me the way I’ve needed. I’ll always be on my own”.
The withdrawers may say to themselves: “I will never get it right. No one has ever appreciated the real me. I’ll always be on my own”.
Both feel as though they will never have their emotional, physical and spiritual needs meet – never find the intimacy that all of us long for – and we all deserve.
There is a Solution – The Start
Working with a compassionate and experienced therapist, the couple can bring into the “light”, these unspoken cycles of thoughts, feelings, sensations and behaviors.
Making the “unconscious, conscious” can be liberating.
But most of all, it creates awareness for both parties – and with awareness arises an opportunity. Things can be different.
Knowing how you are both suffering in similar ways – and both have similar goals, may be a revelation for couples who have been suffering alone in their own private hell.
Just because one partner may be a sex addict in recovery or a recovering porn addict – does not mean that the couple-hood is beyond repair.
So, making that first courageous step into couples’ therapy may be the start of a new beginning.
The first questions that a therapist might ask each of the couples are:
“Please look directly at your partner and, use “I statements. Let them know what it is that you want to become true in your relationship” “What are your very best hopes in your relationship?”
“Rather than statements that begin: “I don’t want…” or “I want him/her to….” Or “I want her/him not to…” – state what positive things you desire or yearn for in the relationship”. “What qualities are you seeking?”
“How will you be different in your relationship for your best hopes to become true” “what new behaviors, thoughts, feelings and emotions will you be doing and feeling to realize your best hopes?”
In the following session, the therapist may ask both couples:
“What good things have you noticed that is different in your partner’s behavior, thoughts, feelings, moods, since we last met?
“What good things have you noticed that is different in your thoughts, feelings, moods and behavior?”
“What new ideas or behaviors that we discuss last time, did you notice you followed?” “What did you notice that your partner followed?”
When positive changes are looked for in a partner – they may be found.
Even small changes can engender hope and gratitude.
And hope and gratitude are powerful energy – and they can drive yet more change.
*Visions assist clients in Singapore to enable them to improve their lives; and our website provides the images, names, languages, qualifications, and experience of specialists who can help.